Post by droo on Jan 6, 2006 16:08:09 GMT -5
A little Christmas humorfic I wrote...
“I nominate Angel for the angel.”
“Oh that’s very creative.”
Maureen had told everyone to meet at the loft at 7:43 – “A specific time for a specific purpose!” – much to the surprise of a showering Mark and a sleeping Roger. She had announced that in order to make some money, she was putting on a nativity show in the middle of Avenue B. And they were all the stars.
And now pouty!Maureen’s lower lip was protruding considerably.
“Oh, sweetening, what’s wrong baby?” Mark asked as he made his way to the couch and snaked his arms around her waist.
“Whoa, whoa, wait!” said Roger, jumping up. “I thought Mo was with Joanne!”
“The Author doesn’t like Mo with Joanne,” Mimi said.
“But the Author doesn’t like Mark with Mo either,” Collins said pointedly.
“And don’t call me ‘Mo,’” Mo said. “And let’s get back to me pouting. ‘Cause I like pouting.”
So anyway. Mo was pouting.
“Maureen.”
Right.
Maureen was pouting.
“What is it, honeybee?” asked Joanne, sitting next to Maureen on the couch.
“Wait, I thought I was with Maureen,” said jealous!Mark.
“You can both be with me, now can I explain why I’m pouting?”
“Why are you pouting?” asked Angel.
“’Cause I wanted to be the angel.”
“You should be the Virgin Mary!” Collins suggested.
Collins was drunk.
“I think Mimi should be the Virgin Mary,” Roger said. “And I can be Joseph.”
Mimi blushed. “You flatter me, baby.”
“And you just want an excuse to do it in public,” Mark muttered.
“What’s that?” Roger asked, on his feet immediately.
“It turns you on,” Mark accused. “You’ve told me.”
“She’s the VIRGIN Mary, idiot!” Roger was on top of Mark before he finished speaking.
Meanwhile, the others were deciding on parts for themselves.
“Mo, you can be Jesus,” Joanne suggested.
“Maureen.”
“Yeah, that.”
“And then my Angel can be the Angel,” said Collins, sneaking in a kiss.
“That leaves Mark, Maureen, and Joanne for the Wise Men,” said Angel.
Mark paused from wrestling angryexclamationpointRoger. “Mo can’t play a Wise Man!”
“Why not?” Maureen demanded.
“’Cause you have to be a man who is wise!”
“MARK!” Joanne had to wrap her arms around Mo’s stomach to hold her back.
“MAUREEN!” Maureen shouted at the Author.
“COLLINS!” Angel shouted as Collins tried to feel up her skirt.
“ROGER!” Mimi shouted because Roger had bitten Mark’s leg.
“JOANNE!” Maureen shouted to try to get her girlfriend to let her go.
“MIMI!” Mark shouted to Mimi, who was doing nothing out of the ordinary.
“ANGEL!” Angel shouted, because now she was feeling left out.
“All right, then,” said Joanne, sitting back down on the couch. “Now that we’ve taken attendance…”
“Ah, you forgot someone,” Benny said, entering with a flourish.
“We don’t like you,” Mark said, sitting on the floor Indian-style.
“So go away,” Roger said.
“You are so immature, poo-poo head!” Benny screamed at Roger, who flashed him a smile of glory.
“So back to the play,” Maureen said. “I can’t be a Wise Man because I’m Jesus, remember?”
“Oh, right,” said Mimi. “Hmmm… Collins could be all three Wise Men!”
“What!” shouted Collins. “How are you going to work that out!”
“We’ll find something,” said evil!Maureen.
“We still have Mark and Benny to cast, too,” said Joanne.
“Joanne doesn’t have a part yet either!” cried Mark and Benny in unison. Because people say things like that in unison in real life all the time.
“Well we need a shepherd,” said Mimi.
“OH! I WANT TO BE A SHEPHERD!” shouted Mark. Vengeful!Mark giggled. “And Joanne can be my sheep.”
Joanne groaned.
“Sounds good,” said Maureen. “So we’ve got our cast.”
“Hey!” said Benny. “You forgot me!”
Maureen looked Benny up and down, studying him. “As I said, we’ve got our cast.”
“You don’t have an innkeeper,” Benny accused. “Without the innkeeper the story might not have ever happened.”
Joanne raised her eyebrows. “He has a point.”
Everyone gasped in unison. Because people gasp in unison in real life all the time.
“OK, OK, Benny’s the innkeeper,” said Maureen.
“How appropriate,” said Mimi. Roger laughed hysterically. No one else did.
“OoOoOoOo can I b de innkeepur’s wive/1?1/1” screamed three thousand seven hundred and sixty-four Taye fangirls.
“Wel if they’re de innkeepur’s wive can I b de Virgin Marry/1/1/1” begged one thousand eighty hundred and twenty-two Adam fangirls.
“Why does he get more fangirls?” complained Adam!Roger.
Mimi slapped him. “We can’t have actor-based stories, remember?”
“So!” announced Maureen. “We have our cast! And looky, I made a poster!”
MAUREEN JOHNSON’S NATIVITY CHRISTMAS MUSICAL
STARRING
Maureen Johnson as Jesus
Mimi Marquez as the Virgin Mary
Roger Davis as Joseph
Angel Dumott-Schunard as Angel
Tom Collins as the Gold King
Tom Collins as the Frankincense King
Tom Collins as the Myrrh King
Mark Cohen as the Shepherd
Joanne Jefferson as a Sheep
and Benjamin Coffin III as the Innkeeper
“Why do you get to be first?” whined whiney!Mark.
“Because Jesus is the most important,” Maureen informed him. “Now, let’s rehearse!”
“And how the heck did you know how to spell ‘frankincense’ and ‘myrrh?’” asked Mimi.
Maureen looked at the camera and gave a toothpaste-commercial smile. “Spellcheck – It’s a Beautiful Thing.” And with that she gave a big wink.
Because the Author is afraid to show you the danger cough magic that goes into a play rehearsal coughcough we will now skip to the performance.
Maureen pretended to hurry up the aisle of the crowd, but because the crowd was all standing the middle of the street without an aisle, she actually pushed and shoved her way up to the makeshift stage made out of cardboard boxes. These were very durable cardboard boxes, naturally. So durable that several people could stand on them and they wouldn’t break. Yeah. Really!
“ATTENTION!” she screamed, because attentionwhore!Maureen likes to scream. “I’m Maureen Johnson. Hi, everyone!”
“Hi, Mo!” the whole crowd said ala television hang-out restaurants.
“Maureen,” she corrected.
“Hi, Maureen!” the whole crowd said.
“Welcome to the first-ever Maureen Johnson Memorial Performance of the Nativity. We’re putting it in my memory even though I haven’t died yet because it sounds good, don’t you agree?” The crowd nodded in agreement. “OK good. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy!” She smiled cheesily, even though “cheesily” isn’t a word and ducked offstage.
“Hello? Helloooo? Is thing on?”
“It’s on, Angel!”
“Oh, OK.” Angel stepped on the stage in a flowing white dress made of a big white sheet off of Joanne’s bed, complete with swirls of messy glitter and sparkly glue.
“Hi! My name is Angel! Uh… I’m an angel!”
MaryMimi and JosephRoger entered. Mimi had a blue towel on her head and Roger had a green towel around his neck like a biker, because he decided he was too cool to wear it on his head. And Roger had his guitar. Because he thought that looked cool.
“Hi, I’m Mary,” said Mimi.
“Hi, I’m Joseph,” said Roger.
“Hi, I’m Jesus,” said Maureen from offstage as MaryMimi held up thebaby dollwrapped in a dirty yellow towel, which Mark had given up reluctantly.
“HEY!” shouted Mark.
Collins entered next. He had a Burger King crown on his head and a sock on each hand, which where adorned with crowns cut out of paper plates. “We are the three Kings,” Collins said.
“I’m the Gold King!” said Collins’ right hand.
“I’m the Frankincense King!” said Collins.
“I’m the Myrrh King!” said Collins’ left hand.
“Collins!” Mark hissed. “The Shepherd comes first!”
“No!” Benny whined. “The innkeeper has to come before the Shepherd does!”
“Baa!” complained SheepJoanne. “Baa baa bleet baa baa!”
Benny hurried onstage. “Hi, I’m the innkeeper. There’s no room left. You can sleep in my barn.”
“Yay!” said MaryMimi and JosephRoger. “We can sleep with the animals in the itchy straw! Yay!”
MaryMimi and JosephRoger sat down on the bale of hay Maureen had conveniently placed center stage.
Mimi looked offstage at Maureen. “We forgot a manger!” she whispered.
“Here!” Maureen threw a cardboard box onstage.
“Look, Joseph,” said MaryMimi. “We can wrap our baby in swaddling clothes and lay him in a manger. And we can call him Jesus, because that’s what God told me to name him.”
“Yay,” said JosephRoger.
“Yay,” said AngelAngel.
“Baa,” said SheepJoanne.
“And meanwhile,” said Angel, “the angels were speaking to the shepherds.”
”That’s me!” ShepherdMark shouted, puffing out his chest. “Hi, Mommy!”
So ShepherdMark and SheepJoanne listened to AngelAngel sing a rather painful rendition of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” before trotting three or four steps to center stage and bowing to the baby doll in the cardboard box.
“OH HE IS HOLY!” Mark shouted. (Maureen had told him to project.)
“Baa!” agreed SheepJoanne.
“And three Wise Men saw the Star in the sky,” said Collins’ left hand.
“And they followed it,” said Collins.
“And there they found the baby Jesus,” said Collins’ right hand.
And everyone stood up together. “AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!”
THE END
A Bohemian Nativity
by droo
by droo
“I nominate Angel for the angel.”
“Oh that’s very creative.”
Maureen had told everyone to meet at the loft at 7:43 – “A specific time for a specific purpose!” – much to the surprise of a showering Mark and a sleeping Roger. She had announced that in order to make some money, she was putting on a nativity show in the middle of Avenue B. And they were all the stars.
And now pouty!Maureen’s lower lip was protruding considerably.
“Oh, sweetening, what’s wrong baby?” Mark asked as he made his way to the couch and snaked his arms around her waist.
“Whoa, whoa, wait!” said Roger, jumping up. “I thought Mo was with Joanne!”
“The Author doesn’t like Mo with Joanne,” Mimi said.
“But the Author doesn’t like Mark with Mo either,” Collins said pointedly.
“And don’t call me ‘Mo,’” Mo said. “And let’s get back to me pouting. ‘Cause I like pouting.”
So anyway. Mo was pouting.
“Maureen.”
Right.
Maureen was pouting.
“What is it, honeybee?” asked Joanne, sitting next to Maureen on the couch.
“Wait, I thought I was with Maureen,” said jealous!Mark.
“You can both be with me, now can I explain why I’m pouting?”
“Why are you pouting?” asked Angel.
“’Cause I wanted to be the angel.”
“You should be the Virgin Mary!” Collins suggested.
Collins was drunk.
“I think Mimi should be the Virgin Mary,” Roger said. “And I can be Joseph.”
Mimi blushed. “You flatter me, baby.”
“And you just want an excuse to do it in public,” Mark muttered.
“What’s that?” Roger asked, on his feet immediately.
“It turns you on,” Mark accused. “You’ve told me.”
“She’s the VIRGIN Mary, idiot!” Roger was on top of Mark before he finished speaking.
Meanwhile, the others were deciding on parts for themselves.
“Mo, you can be Jesus,” Joanne suggested.
“Maureen.”
“Yeah, that.”
“And then my Angel can be the Angel,” said Collins, sneaking in a kiss.
“That leaves Mark, Maureen, and Joanne for the Wise Men,” said Angel.
Mark paused from wrestling angryexclamationpointRoger. “Mo can’t play a Wise Man!”
“Why not?” Maureen demanded.
“’Cause you have to be a man who is wise!”
“MARK!” Joanne had to wrap her arms around Mo’s stomach to hold her back.
“MAUREEN!” Maureen shouted at the Author.
“COLLINS!” Angel shouted as Collins tried to feel up her skirt.
“ROGER!” Mimi shouted because Roger had bitten Mark’s leg.
“JOANNE!” Maureen shouted to try to get her girlfriend to let her go.
“MIMI!” Mark shouted to Mimi, who was doing nothing out of the ordinary.
“ANGEL!” Angel shouted, because now she was feeling left out.
“All right, then,” said Joanne, sitting back down on the couch. “Now that we’ve taken attendance…”
“Ah, you forgot someone,” Benny said, entering with a flourish.
“We don’t like you,” Mark said, sitting on the floor Indian-style.
“So go away,” Roger said.
“You are so immature, poo-poo head!” Benny screamed at Roger, who flashed him a smile of glory.
“So back to the play,” Maureen said. “I can’t be a Wise Man because I’m Jesus, remember?”
“Oh, right,” said Mimi. “Hmmm… Collins could be all three Wise Men!”
“What!” shouted Collins. “How are you going to work that out!”
“We’ll find something,” said evil!Maureen.
“We still have Mark and Benny to cast, too,” said Joanne.
“Joanne doesn’t have a part yet either!” cried Mark and Benny in unison. Because people say things like that in unison in real life all the time.
“Well we need a shepherd,” said Mimi.
“OH! I WANT TO BE A SHEPHERD!” shouted Mark. Vengeful!Mark giggled. “And Joanne can be my sheep.”
Joanne groaned.
“Sounds good,” said Maureen. “So we’ve got our cast.”
“Hey!” said Benny. “You forgot me!”
Maureen looked Benny up and down, studying him. “As I said, we’ve got our cast.”
“You don’t have an innkeeper,” Benny accused. “Without the innkeeper the story might not have ever happened.”
Joanne raised her eyebrows. “He has a point.”
Everyone gasped in unison. Because people gasp in unison in real life all the time.
“OK, OK, Benny’s the innkeeper,” said Maureen.
“How appropriate,” said Mimi. Roger laughed hysterically. No one else did.
“OoOoOoOo can I b de innkeepur’s wive/1?1/1” screamed three thousand seven hundred and sixty-four Taye fangirls.
“Wel if they’re de innkeepur’s wive can I b de Virgin Marry/1/1/1” begged one thousand eighty hundred and twenty-two Adam fangirls.
“Why does he get more fangirls?” complained Adam!Roger.
Mimi slapped him. “We can’t have actor-based stories, remember?”
“So!” announced Maureen. “We have our cast! And looky, I made a poster!”
MAUREEN JOHNSON’S NATIVITY CHRISTMAS MUSICAL
STARRING
Maureen Johnson as Jesus
Mimi Marquez as the Virgin Mary
Roger Davis as Joseph
Angel Dumott-Schunard as Angel
Tom Collins as the Gold King
Tom Collins as the Frankincense King
Tom Collins as the Myrrh King
Mark Cohen as the Shepherd
Joanne Jefferson as a Sheep
and Benjamin Coffin III as the Innkeeper
“Why do you get to be first?” whined whiney!Mark.
“Because Jesus is the most important,” Maureen informed him. “Now, let’s rehearse!”
“And how the heck did you know how to spell ‘frankincense’ and ‘myrrh?’” asked Mimi.
Maureen looked at the camera and gave a toothpaste-commercial smile. “Spellcheck – It’s a Beautiful Thing.” And with that she gave a big wink.
Because the Author is afraid to show you the danger cough magic that goes into a play rehearsal coughcough we will now skip to the performance.
Maureen pretended to hurry up the aisle of the crowd, but because the crowd was all standing the middle of the street without an aisle, she actually pushed and shoved her way up to the makeshift stage made out of cardboard boxes. These were very durable cardboard boxes, naturally. So durable that several people could stand on them and they wouldn’t break. Yeah. Really!
“ATTENTION!” she screamed, because attentionwhore!Maureen likes to scream. “I’m Maureen Johnson. Hi, everyone!”
“Hi, Mo!” the whole crowd said ala television hang-out restaurants.
“Maureen,” she corrected.
“Hi, Maureen!” the whole crowd said.
“Welcome to the first-ever Maureen Johnson Memorial Performance of the Nativity. We’re putting it in my memory even though I haven’t died yet because it sounds good, don’t you agree?” The crowd nodded in agreement. “OK good. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy!” She smiled cheesily, even though “cheesily” isn’t a word and ducked offstage.
“Hello? Helloooo? Is thing on?”
“It’s on, Angel!”
“Oh, OK.” Angel stepped on the stage in a flowing white dress made of a big white sheet off of Joanne’s bed, complete with swirls of messy glitter and sparkly glue.
“Hi! My name is Angel! Uh… I’m an angel!”
MaryMimi and JosephRoger entered. Mimi had a blue towel on her head and Roger had a green towel around his neck like a biker, because he decided he was too cool to wear it on his head. And Roger had his guitar. Because he thought that looked cool.
“Hi, I’m Mary,” said Mimi.
“Hi, I’m Joseph,” said Roger.
“Hi, I’m Jesus,” said Maureen from offstage as MaryMimi held up thebaby dollwrapped in a dirty yellow towel, which Mark had given up reluctantly.
“HEY!” shouted Mark.
Collins entered next. He had a Burger King crown on his head and a sock on each hand, which where adorned with crowns cut out of paper plates. “We are the three Kings,” Collins said.
“I’m the Gold King!” said Collins’ right hand.
“I’m the Frankincense King!” said Collins.
“I’m the Myrrh King!” said Collins’ left hand.
“Collins!” Mark hissed. “The Shepherd comes first!”
“No!” Benny whined. “The innkeeper has to come before the Shepherd does!”
“Baa!” complained SheepJoanne. “Baa baa bleet baa baa!”
Benny hurried onstage. “Hi, I’m the innkeeper. There’s no room left. You can sleep in my barn.”
“Yay!” said MaryMimi and JosephRoger. “We can sleep with the animals in the itchy straw! Yay!”
MaryMimi and JosephRoger sat down on the bale of hay Maureen had conveniently placed center stage.
Mimi looked offstage at Maureen. “We forgot a manger!” she whispered.
“Here!” Maureen threw a cardboard box onstage.
“Look, Joseph,” said MaryMimi. “We can wrap our baby in swaddling clothes and lay him in a manger. And we can call him Jesus, because that’s what God told me to name him.”
“Yay,” said JosephRoger.
“Yay,” said AngelAngel.
“Baa,” said SheepJoanne.
“And meanwhile,” said Angel, “the angels were speaking to the shepherds.”
”That’s me!” ShepherdMark shouted, puffing out his chest. “Hi, Mommy!”
So ShepherdMark and SheepJoanne listened to AngelAngel sing a rather painful rendition of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” before trotting three or four steps to center stage and bowing to the baby doll in the cardboard box.
“OH HE IS HOLY!” Mark shouted. (Maureen had told him to project.)
“Baa!” agreed SheepJoanne.
“And three Wise Men saw the Star in the sky,” said Collins’ left hand.
“And they followed it,” said Collins.
“And there they found the baby Jesus,” said Collins’ right hand.
And everyone stood up together. “AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!”
THE END